Moving Toward Agnosticism

•April 23, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Dear World,

I don’t even know where I stand as a Christian anymore – if I even still am one. I don’t think I’m quite an atheist – I do still believe in some form of Higher Power. I just can’t quite bring myself to believe that everything that exists came about as a result of some cosmic accident. But I’m no longer convinced that the God I was raised up to believe in actually exists in the form and manner that Christians in general believe. I suppose, then, that would make me agnostic, since I think it’s a waste of time to try to figure much out about this Being that sits out there – somewhere – sitting on his damn thumbs and chuckling (my conception) at the foolish antics of people. Hell, for all I know this Being’s forgotten all about us by now and has long since moved on to far more entertaining pursuits. After all, people really don’t change all that much, and we’re still just as cruel and petty and war-driven as we were 5000 years ago. Just a brief glimpse into the annals of history bears that point out.

Trouble is, I can’t really change my life to live as an agnostic would. I’m still bound to pretend like I still believe. I’m married to one of the Faithful, and my entire circle of family and friends belong to that community. So, I find myself standing on the edge of faith and not, a form of fence-straddling that I’m not altogether comfortable with. I won’t just up and leave – I believe in the importance of honoring the marriage agreement, and I do love my wife. So, here I sit – stuck.

I can live a lie for now. It’s easier to do this in order to keep the peace than to declare my wavering faith publicly and risk hurting so many who are dear to me.

Frank, but Honest

It’s All About Me

•April 20, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Dear World,

I think if you knew me, if you really knew who I was, you would probably hate me. But that’s ok, because I don’t much like most of you, anyway. I’m lazy and selfish and self-absorbed, and underneath everything on the outside, what I really want is my own comfort and pleasure and enjoyment. Don’t bother me with your troubles, your cares, or your worries – I have plenty enough of my own, thank you very much. Talk to me if you will, but know that I reply only if I feel like I have something to say in return. Don’t take it personally if I seem to ignore you; it’s just that I have plenty on my mind already and the trivial details of your life are of little consequence to me. They don’t affect me in the slightest, so I can’t find it in myself to be troubled by them.

It’s no wonder I don’t want to spend time with most of you, though – you’re not really any different from me, when it gets right down to it. Most of you are every bit as self-absorbed and conceited as I am. You say you’re not, but actions really do speak louder than words. Your every action betrays your true motivations, and in the end I find I simply cannot stomach your continual lies. I have trouble enough living with my own set of double-standards. Why the hell should I waste time and energy trying to wade through your own?

In the end I find that I don’t much like myself, so why should I give a damn about you? Don’t take offense – at least I treat everyone on equal footing. I don’t think there’s anyone really worth investing much in. After all, such efforts will only be squandered on backbiting, hypocrisy, and vain pursuits.

So leave me alone, and I’ll leave you alone.

Frank, but Honest